If you’re feeling a sense of disharmony and separation in your love life, the route to fixing things might be easier and shorter than you imagined. Like so many things, it begins with a choice. You’ve chosen to be with your partner, so what if you choose to take the steps to create a phenomenal relationship with them, starting today?
Here are three questions you can ask yourself to help you get to that place.
1. How can we make this fun again?
Ah, now I like this question! Think about why the two of you got together in the first place. What did you like about each other, and how did you have fun together? And when was the last time you had that kind of fun (or any kind of fun)?
Sure, if you have kids or other commitments, it can be hard to give time to each other; but it’s so vital that you do. When we get stuck in our separate routines, weeks and months can pass by before you realize you haven’t laughed together in that giddy, childlike way that only happens when the two of you are connected and at ease.
As soon as you get the chance, ask your partner: What fun can we have today? What can we create?
I also recommend you find one thing each day that you’re grateful for about your other half—and then tell them! So often we take each other for granted, and this one simple act reminds both of you how far acceptance and appreciation can go.
2. Am I expecting things to be perfect?
Pretty much everyone has an opinion on what a great relationship should look and be like—so what’s yours? What are your expectations of a perfect partner and the perfect union? And, more importantly, where have those ideas and ideals come from?
A lot of people build a picture about what a relationship should or shouldn’t be from the kind of relationship their parents had, or from what they see on social media and their favorite TV shows, or from the marriage their best friend has. While I know you’re not so suggestible to think that what you see on TV or how your friends present themselves is the whole truth, it’s always worth asking why we’ve come to seek certain standards or requirements from our relationships. So often these standards are out of date, or they weren’t actually ours in the first place.
On top of this, when we buy into any vision of perfection or how things should be (note the word “should”—it’s a sign you’re not choosing for yourself), that vision holds us back. It’s not so much that our expectations are high; but more that they’re too narrow, and nothing can come into our experience that doesn’t meet the ideal we’re so invested in.
A big element of this comes from the ingrained habit we have of judging everyone and everything, so let’s look at that next.
3. How often do I judge myself—and my partner?
Without wanting to be presumptuous, I can guess that you judge yourself, your partner, and your relationship on a daily basis. And your partner is, most likely, judging you right back.
When it comes to a relationship, no two people have exactly the same opinions about what’s right, wrong, acceptable, and so on; so what you get are two different judgment systems clashing, and two people locking horns and refusing to back down from how they see a situation.
The antidote to judgment is always allowance. Practicing allowance means everything that comes into your experience is merely interesting. You step away from labeling anything as good or bad—and that includes you, your partner, and the relationship.
From my point of view, a great relationship is one in which gratitude and allowance are a feature of every day—every moment, in fact. It’s one where you gift each other the freedom to follow your passions. It’s one where you ask what you can create together and what contribution you can be to each other. It’s one where you look to the future with openness, excitement, and curiosity and say, “So, what next?”
P.S. For more relationship tips, techniques and tools, please feel free to check out my Kajabi Class “Getting Out of Need & Into Intimacy” here.
P.S.S. And for the full article in the online publication MBG Relationships/MindBodyGreen, please visit here.